Hocus Pocus

So.. maybe it's all the reading that I've been doing (Sugar Blues by William Sunfty, Adverbs by Daniel Handler, The South Beach Diet by Arthur Agatston, M.D.) but I can't help but wonder if years from now someone will leaf through literature and gawk at the voodoo we attempt as we try to conceive. I'm prone to cynicism anyway but when the nurse was explaining the mixing needle that has to go in the powder, I couldn't help but to scan her for boils, warts and a broom in the corner.

I blame myself. I've convinced myself that this tentative diagnosis of PCOS is a result of my sugar addiction. I've always joked about it in the past and never took it seriously until now. Perhaps I should sue the sugar industry. Would I make out as well as those who sued Big Tabacco? Are there labels on sugar proclaiming its lethal effects on your reproductive viability? Not at last glance.

The needle regimen for this week includes two a.m. injections, one p.m. injection. Lots of mixing and needle swapping and don't let the air get in and oh shit did I even do that right? I don't think I should be trusted to do this. I tell myself larger idiots have done it, why can't I? But I wonder if the larger idiots were as afraid of needles as I am. I even recoil at the sight of safety pins and they contain the word safety. Kind people who have gone through this inform me that only the later injections hurt.


I've put myself on a low-carb, low-sugar diet by following one of the famous ones. I doubt that I can stick with it forever but I'd like to become more aware of where food appears on the glycemic spectrum. I wouldn't have guessed about bananas for example. That said, it's only day two and I'm already deadly tired of salad. Persevere though I must.

Friends don't let friends make twin jokes. They aren't funny. I quiver at the thought. One child scares me enough. Of course I want one. That said, if age were not a factor, I'd put it off another ten years. Extreme sports indeed. Choose your friends wisely in this endeavor. That's been made clear from the get go. One friend, upon learning that I was to experiment with Clomid, responded ever so supportively with "doesn't that make you have triplets?" It's been hard to speak to her since. Choose wisely. I've been looking for support of a virtual nature, hell, I'll take it where I can get it. it's summer, I'm off duty while most of the world festers in the quotidian. So, in many ways, I'm on my own.