ZENish

I can't decide if my stomach is actually shrinking or if I am stuck with this belly now for good. I went back to yoga today and it felt restorative. I'm trying not to think of the whole IVF saga as a failure. I'm trying to see it from the perspective of the medical industry. They learned how to treat my ovaries and the next time they'll get the dosage right and things will work out.

It's just that the dread of the school year is upon me. I know what it is like to try to pro-create and work in the inner city at the same time. It's a terrible partnership. My whole body shuts down and just tries to cope with the day to day survival. The stress consumes me. The horrible lives of my students, the awful feelings of competition and petty rivalries among the staff, the egos, the monotony, and the futility of it all.

Thank God we're going to France to escape it all for a few weeks. I'll do my best to create coping mechanisms while I am there. I'll set my outside of school goals. I'll hear myself think. Although all I hear right now is static.

There is this random sputter from a tripped wire in the alarm system in our house. We can't seem to find it to disable it. It's so off putting. It makes me insane. This house contains so many unfinished jobs and sometimes I feel that Andrew is indifferent to their completion. Our bathroom door has not had a handle since we moved in.

I passed a Zen temple today and thought to myself that maybe I'll give it a try. I'm desperate enough to seek religion even if I'm skeptical. I certainly have nothing to lose. Besides, it's good to try new things.